No Rest

I learned last night, that a dear friend of mine has an aggressive form of prostate and bladder cancer.

My father told me this; he and Howard are close friends. I have not spoken to Howard yet, but I know he will be calling me today.

I am scared.

I realize that Howard is the one with the cancer, but his sickness affects a lot of people that are very important to me. I don’t know how Dad will cope if we lose Howard. Losing Aunt Phil put him in the hospital for two weeks. There is only so much grief a man, even my father, can take at one time. Howard’s son Doug is one of my favorite people in the world. Whenever things are going badly around here, Doug has this way of showing up and lightening the load. I can’t imagine what’s going through his mind right now. I can’t call him, because I don’t know for sure that he knows yet.

I am scared for me too. I am not ready to say goodbye to another friend.

Peace

My new gig

Good Lord,
I just looked at the date of my last post. In case anyone is interested, this is what I have been doing with my spare time lately....












I think I have waited all of my adult life for an opporunity like this. No, I won't get rich or famous, or even well known for doing this, but I love it. The nicer part is that I will be gaining more kids than I lose to graduation this fall.

Peace

bitch bitch bitch

A mid-life crisis is an emotional state of doubt and anxiety in which a person becomes uncomfortable with the realization that life is halfway over. It commonly involves reflection on what the individual has done with his life up to that point, often with feelings that not enough was accomplished. The individual may feel boredom with their lives, jobs, or their partners, and may feel a strong desire to make changes in these areas. ...

Is this what is happening to me? I am so short of patience these days. Not with everybody, but with certain people who normally require a lot of patience, I don’t have it.

As an example, I went to chorus rehearsal last night. We have a show this Thursday, so equipment had to be loaded into the riser trailer. Announcements were made twice for volunteers. When it came time to do the work, very few people showed up. Normally, I would have just rolled up my sleeves and done the work myself. Not last night. I announced that if somebody else does not help with the work, it wasn’t going to happen and we could stand on the floor for the performance. I got the help, but looked like a prick. I guess they will be wanting their award back soon.

I have no patience for my sister either. She called me three weeks ago to borrow money to fix the muffler on her car. Apparently the low life good for nothing shit sucking lazy assed too smart to work in a factory so he will work as a prep cook at Subway genius that she swears she sleeps in a different room from, was told by whatever temp agency he is working for, that they accidentally shorted his check again ( for the 49th time). She told me that she needed $60. I gave it to her, even though I didn’t have it to give. I made her promise that she would pay me back. I knew I would get that money just like the literally thousands of other dollars that I have “loaned” her back when she got her next paycheck. Yeah right.

I go up to visit my Dad last week, who had been in the hospital for pneumonia along with a bunch of other problems, and he is so upset he is ready to cry. My wonderful sister had just been to see him. She had to have a girlfriend drive her to the hospital because the muffler on her car was broken. The same muffler that I just paid to have fixed. WTF? If it were not for the fact that my poor Dad is holding on to some hope that she has not completely degenerated into redneck trailer trash, I would have burnt the last bridge that night.

I have no patience for it any more.

To be continued


Peace

The long and the short of it....

This season was too long, and yet too short. This coming Saturday are the track Championships, and then its over. All of us will go our separate ways. Some of the girls I will see again at school. Some have come from other schools but participate because their schools don’t have track programs. I have my doubts that I will ever see them again.

I am very proud of all of these girls. Each one has grown these few months. All of them are better athletes. I hope that they are better people. I hope that they have grown from my coaching.

I wonder about a couple of them. They have been especially close to me. Both of them are never far from where I am. I wonder if they do not get enough attention from their Daddy’s. If this is the root of their behavior, it is a tragedy. They are bright and smart and beautiful. I wish I could look their fathers in the eye and tell them “pay attention stupid. Someday they will leave home, and they will belong to someone else, and they won’t be crying for your attention. This day will come sooner than you think.”

My son is 12, going on 13. These girls are 9 going on 10. Is it crazy of me to hope that one of them catches his eye someday? I see so much potential in two of them.

Two of them were sisters. Their mother is pregnant with another child. She reminded me of this at least 32 times at the meet this weekend. Maybe it was because she was pregnant, ( I realize that this gives women a free pass on almost any kind of behavior) but she reminded her girls at least a dozen times how much she was sacrificing to be at their meet. Yes it was cold, yes it was raining, but the girls had their best meet all year. Why did their mother have to dull the luster of the day?

I could go on and on. I will miss these girls. I would be proud to be their Dad.

Peace

Difficult list

I stole this from my friend Leesa...
Play along if you wish.

I AM: far more than I appear.
I WANT: security, intimacy, strength.
I WISH: I could have more time to do the things I care about well, instead of good enough.
I HATE: people who have no interest in the truth, only what gives them the advantage.
I MISS: being immersed in my music, like I was in college.
I FEAR: many things. I fear losing control the most.
I HEAR: Music in my head. Constantly.
I WONDER: if other people see me the way I do.
I REGRET: every time my son asked me to play with him and I was too busy. He will stop asking soon.
I AM NOT: assertive enough.
I DANCE: poorly, but I dance nonetheless. The music moves me.
I SING: every chance I get.
I CRY: over silly things sometimes.
I AM NOT ALWAYS: the man I should be.
I MAKE WITH MY HANDS: Music.
I WRITE: to express the things that I cannot say with speech.
I CONFUSE: myself.
I NEED: peace, security, solitude. I also need to learn to say no.
I SHOULD: get more excercise.
I START: slowly.
I FINISH: sometimes at the last minute.
I TAG: Anyone who wants to do it.

In Memory

Almighty God, in His wisdom and mercy called my Aunt Phillys home today. She is reunited with her husband, Bill, her brothers Richard and Don, and her sister Peg, and all of the rest who have gone ahead.

She was 75 years old, but it was still too soon. I will miss her, but I know that Heaven is a far better place than here. I hope to see her again some day.


Troubador

Missing Persons Report

So where have I been?
I was looking at my stat counter and noticed that there are a few folks that still check in now and then. Whoever you are, thank you.

Some of the things I have been doing recently include coaching two track teams, singing in a yet un named quartet, singing in the chorus, teaching the local high school drum line, holding down a full time job, raising my family, and trying to be a good and attentive husband.

Whew. Makes me tired just reading it.

There is light at the end of the tunnel though. The track season is winding down. We only have two meets left. Its kind of sad though. I have really enjoyed coaching these teams. I could almost be convinced to coach again next year. ALMOST. The girls have been so good. I have first graders that have been working out with third and fourth graders all season and I cannot remember a single complaint.

The girls are so good with each other too. No cat fights, no hurt feelings, no nothing. One of the things that I try to do, is make sure that each girl has a chance to participate in every event over the season. This is not about winning, this is about learning and growing. On some of the longer distances, there are girls that have a really hard time with it. The short distance races its not a problem, but when you are working on a 400 meter track, the faster girls will definitely create a gap between the slower girls. It is my rule that the girls that finish first must stay at the finish line to cheer on the girls that are struggling. I have never had to say another word about this. I cannot describe how it makes me feel when one of the girls that has finished first will get up and go back on the track and run alongside someone who is having a hard time to give them encouragement.

My other rule is that no matter what, you have to finish an event unless you are injured. I told the girls that they did not have to be great athletes to be a part of the team, but they had to be brave.

I could not be prouder of this bunch. I would take any one of them home with me in a heart beat. They are just good kids.

Gosh, this is not where I had intended to go today, but I am gonna post it anyway, because its just too good not to share
Peace