The irony of Monday Morning E mail

I came into work this morning off of what could be called a frustrating weekend. I was going to post the following:

My wife looked at me this weekend and said she felt bad because all I got for my birthday was a card an a couple pairs of pants. Since this was the big Four OH, a milestone for most people, she felt that I should have gotten something more. I took her hands in mind, and gazed into her eyes and told her that the best birthday gift she could have given me was herself, freely, joyously, and without reservation. And I told her that since it was still January, it was not too late.
Her reply? “So what’s for lunch?”

So that along with having a house full of people for way to long, and a lot of other things, has gotten me into a bit of a funk.


When I opened my E mail this morning, I received the following, in this order, unedited:




From Leesa:



Understanding Men
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with acoat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA is not an option. I will win.
___________________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop thehood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If anotherman shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fixthese things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn'tknow where to start." ___________________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soupand take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.
___________________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing.
___________________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insiston taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice asmuch once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
__________________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my handwhile I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it.....though one time I was able to survive by holding acalculator.....(applies to engineers mainly).
___________________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.
___________________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too. ___________________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't....and if you are feeling amorous afterwards....then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.
___________________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?___________________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2006, I will shareequally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, thecleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest..............like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.
___________________________________________________________
This has been a public service message for women to better understand men.............






From Roger:



I've never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women
differ so much.
And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars
thing.
I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don'tfeel like it, I just want you to hold me.
"I said "WHAT??!!
What was that?!

"So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big,big department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to takeso I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought Iwas one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know howto play tennis.! I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine,honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT?"

I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for meto satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?" Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.



From Kent:



One Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair,drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.

A neighbor lady from across the street, outraged at this, ran over and shouted at me, "you should be hung!".

I took a long drink from my can of Budweiser, slowly wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Ray ban Sunglasses and stared directly at this nosey neighbor. And then calmly replied,

"I am." "That's why she cuts the grass".




And from Bekah



The Pending Divorce
The wife comes home early & finds her husband in their master bedroom making love to a beautiful, se-xy young lady!

"You unfaithful, disrespectful pig! What are you doing? How dare you do this to me the faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving this house, I want a divorce!

"The husband, replies "Wait, Wait a minute! Before you leave, at least listen to what happened"

"Hummmmm, I don't know. Well it'll be the last thing I will hear from you. But make it fast, you unfaithful pig you

"The husband begins to tell his story.

"While driving home this young lady asks for a ride. I saw her so defenseless that I went ahead and allowed her in my car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She mentioned that she had not eaten for 3 days. With great compassion and hurt, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas that I made for you last night that you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll gain weight. The poor thing practically devoured them.

Since she was very dirty I asked her to take a shower. While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw her clothes away. Since she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that you have had for a few years, that you can no longer wear because they are too tight on you.

I also gave her the blouse that I gave you on our anniversary and you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas that you will not wear just to bother my sister and I also gave her the boots that you bought at the expensive boutique that you never wore again after you saw your co-worker wearing the same pair.

"The husband continues his story . .

"The young woman was very grateful to me and I walked her to the door.When we got to the door she turned around and with tears coming out of her eyes, she asks me: "Sir, do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"