Things I wish I had said

Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when Easterners
and Californians cross states such as Illinois, Ohio, Indiana,
Wisconsin, Michigan, Nebraska, Kansas, Iowa, Missouri, Minnesota,
North Dakota, and South Dakota, those states' Tourism Councils have
adopted a set of information guidelines. In an effort to help
outsiders understand the Midwest, the following list will be handed to each driver entering the state:

1. That farm boy standing next to the feed bin did more
work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.

2. It's called a 'gravel road.' No matter how slow you
drive, you're going to get dust on your Navigator. I have a four wheel drive because I need it ... not just to keep up with the neighbors.

3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old.

Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.

4. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women
will get your butt whipped .. by our women.

5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us
if a flathead catfish breaks it off at the handle. We have a name

for those little trout you fish for -- bait.

6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are
making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you

don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8. That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth
for what you pay for one drink at the airport.

9. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order
steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef Salad and pick off
the two pounds of ham and turkey.

10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet,
and served over ice!

11. So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car you drive on
weekends. We're real impressed. We have quarter of a million dollar
combines that we use two weeks a year.

12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We
stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.

13. Our women hunt, fish, and drive pickups, trucks and
tractors because they want to. So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.

14. Yeah, we eat catfish. Carp too -- and turtle. You really
want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.

15. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it.
Don't like it? Interstates 70, 80, & 90 go East & West; Interstates
29, 35 & 55 go North & South. Pick one and use it accordingly.

16. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's
a religious holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.

17. So every person in every pick up, waves. It's called
being friendly.

18. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazard.
It spooks the fish.

19. That Highway Patrol Officer who just pulled you over
for driving like an idiot .. his name is "Sir"... no matter how old he
is.

Now please, enjoy your visit. Just don't overdo your stay, we
have corn to plant.


And one more....


The lady who wrote this letter is Pam Foster of Pamela Foster and Associates in Atlanta. She's been in business since 1980 doing interior design and home planning. She recently wrote a letter to a family member serving in Iraq. Read it!
WHAT'S ALL THE FUSS? "Are we fighting a war on terror or aren't we?

Was it or was it not started by Islamic people who brought it to our shores on September 11, 2001?

Were people from all over the world, mostly Americans, not brutally murdered that day, in downtown Manhattan, across the Potomac from our nation's capitol and in a field in Pennsylvania?

Did nearly three thousand men, women and children die a horrible, burning or crushing death that day, or didn't they?

And I'm supposed to care that a copy of the Koran was "desecrated" when an overworked American soldier kicked it or got it wet?

Well, I don't. I don't care at all!

I'll start caring when Osama bin Laden turns himself in and repents for incinerating all those innocent people on 9/11.

I'll care about the Koran when the fanatics in the Middle East start caring about the Holy Bible, the mere possession of which is a crime in Saudi Arabia.

I'll care when Abu Musab al-Zarqawi tells the world he is sorry for hacking off Nick Berg's head while Berg screamed through his gurgling, slashed throat.

I'll care when the cowardly so-called "insurgents" in Iraq come out and fight like men instead of disrespecting their own religion by hiding in mosques.

I'll care when the mindless zealots who blow themselves up in search of nirvana care about the innocent children within range of their suicide bombs.

I'll care when the American media stops pretending that their First Amendment liberties are somehow derived from international law instead of the United States Constitution's Bill of Rights.

I'll care when Clinton-appointed judges stop ordering my government to release photos of the abuses at Abu Ghraib, which are sure to set off the Islamic extremists just as Newsweek's lies did a few weeks ago.

In the meantime, when I hear a story about a brave marine roughing up an Iraqi terrorist to obtain information, know this: I don't care.

When I see a fuzzy photo of a pile of naked Iraqi prisoners who have been humiliated in what amounts to a college hazing incident, rest assured that I don't care.

When I see a wounded terrorist get shot in the head when he is told not to move because he might be booby-trapped, you can take it to the bank that I don't care.

When I hear that a prisoner, who was issued a Koran and a prayer mat, and fed "special" food that is paid for by my tax dollars, is complaining that his holy book is being "mishandled," you can absolutely believe in your heart of hearts that I don't care.

And oh, by the way, I've noticed that sometimes it's spelled "Koran" and other times "Quran." Well, Jimmy Crack Corn and --- you guessed it --- I don't care!

Troubador